‘My partner doesn’t want me’: causes and possible solutions

Let’s look at the main causes of lack of desire in intimate relationships as a couple, and what to do.

Over the years, it is normal for boyfriends and spouses to see how their sexual relationship is less active, but not for this reason that it is exhausted or that sex becomes a thing of the past.

Sex is something that occurs in all ages and having it is completely normal, either to a lesser or greater extent. However, it is true that there are couples who see their sex life suddenly turn off, and it is inevitable to wonder why.

“My partner does not want me” is the thought of many men and women who see their lover’s sexual desire diminish to a worrying point. What causes it? Does it have a solution? Let’s see it next.

'My partner doesn't want me': causes and possible solutions

My partner does not want me: what to do?

A very important pillar in most couples is sexual intercourse. It is not that sex is what determines how good or bad a couple is, as we can observe in many couples with asexual members where intimate relationships take on a more secondary level, but it is true that sexual relationships involve a moment of intimacy and connection that allows lovers to feel full, to notice how the other person is part of them and they are part of the other person.

It is totally normal that the sexual life is less active as the years go by. The emotions and feelings that are felt at the beginning of the relationship are settling, nuanced, and calming down, without this implying that love or the desire to have relationships from time to time disappears. What happens is that the intensity goes down, but the quality of the relationship does not. However, there are many men and women who, after a while and see how the magic has faded, fear that the relationship has been exhausted and the thought of “my partner does not want me” comes into their minds.

The lack of sexual desire in those couples where it is considered a need can become a serious problem. However, even when that desire has been lost (which does not have to be the case) both lovers can continue to have well-being, complicity, communication, fun, development, and common growth. Sex is not everything, but its absence can cause problems if it is not addressed what it is that has caused it to be no longer common and involves tension and conflict between spouses or boyfriends.

The absence of desire is not something that necessarily precipitates the breakup, but of course, if it is not properly solved, it can be one of the many things that overflow the glass of the unsatisfied relationship.

Causes of the lack of sexual desire in the couple

Having made the reflection on why sex is not necessarily something basic in all couples, it is true that if it is, it is necessary to look for the source of the problem. Since sex is considered a basic need, the fact that a relationship goes from having X number of sexual relations to practically none should not necessarily concern us, but we should try to find out why. As we said, it is normal that over the years, sex acquires less prominence and that those fiery relationships that we had in our youth are already something less and less every day. However, if it happens suddenly, there must be an explanation beyond age or the gain in trust between the two, especially if this second cause is not seen as possible.

There are many reasons why we should start worrying about the fact that our partner no longer wants us, or at least that is the feeling that it gives us. Each of them will require different approaches, as well as difficulties and degrees of effort that are also varied.

1. Infidelity

Unfortunately, one of the possible causes behind our partner not wanting us is that they have been unfaithful to us. Naturally, the fact that he has cheated on us, far from solving the problem of the lack of sex or that he does not want us, is only going to make the problem more complex. That he or she has other relationships helps you lose even more interest in your partner.

Naturally, he or she had no right to be unfaithful to us. It may be true that he has lost interest in us because he no longer finds us attractive or because there has been something that has made us not want to have sex for a while, but whatever it does not justify his bad behavior. It has broken our trust and, as long as it is not an open relationship partner, it has broken the principle of not looking outside the home for what you already have.

The way to overcome this problem is to go to couples therapy . This does not mean that we have to forgive him, but it can help us to decide to take that step since it is thanks to this type of therapy that many people manage to trust the other person again, and the other learns not to betray again. to your couple. Communication is the key to overcoming this problem.

2. Sexual dysfunctions and medical problems

Many men and women suffer from sexual dysfunctions and, despite the fact that these problems are being destigmatized, there are many and many who are afraid to even tell their own partner. Premature ejaculation or vaginismus can cause the feeling that your partner does not want us. It is not that he does not want to have sex, but that he feels so much discomfort and fear of not being able to “measure up” that he does not dare to have them.

These problems are unlikely to solve themselves and, therefore, it is necessary to see a doctor. The causes for which they can appear are varied, being the organic causes that will be evaluated and treated by a doctor in case they exist; and the psychological ones, attended by sexologists psychologists.

It may also be the case that these sexual dysfunctions appear as consequences of an underlying disorder, such as an addiction to alcohol, an anxiety disorder, or depression. It is for this reason that, if the organic cause has been ruled out, a psychotherapist specialized in couples should also be consulted.

3. Stress, anxiety and associated disorders

Stress and anxiety are two aspects that have become the heavy company of many people. Worries, fear, uncertainty, insecurity, and many other emotions and cognitions alter us, strain us and cause alterations both mentally and chemically. Cortisol is triggered while the serotonin hormone is at a minimum, causing all this a series of physical and psychological changes that soon affect sexual desire.

Perhaps the reason why our partner no longer wants us is that she feels so overwhelmed, accumulating so much tension and seeing how situations overwhelm her that she ends up suffering a general blockage that ends up affecting her way of relating to us in the sexual field. Stress favors apathy and inhibition of sexual desire, along with other problems in other areas of your life, and, therefore, it is advisable to go to psychotherapy.

'My partner doesn't want me': causes and possible solutions

4. Monotonous relationship and boredom

Boredom is also one of the reasons why our partner seems to have lost interest in us. It is a bit sad to admit it, but it is much better than the other three causes that we have seen since it is not something that we should be particularly concerned about. It is logical that, after many years with the same person, sex becomes very routine, with few surprises and even mechanical.

If we want sex to work in our relationship, we have to give it a little spice. Boredom is fought with originality, creativity, and new ideas, with things that do not need to break your head to feel again that the flame of love and attraction is as hot as at the beginning. Let’s open our minds a bit: go on romantic dates, try new positions, add toys, have tantric sex… there are many ways to regain passion.

Possible solutions to overcome the problem

As we have seen, there are several factors that explain the fact that our partner no longer wants us sexually, or that at least that is the feeling that it gives us. Each situation causes the problem to acquire a different severity and approach, the most serious being infidelity. Whatever problem we consider our relationship to be, we are going to see what we can do to address this issue below.

1. Speak openly

The most important thing of all is to talk openly with our partner about any problem that distresses or worries us. We must be clear when saying that it gives us the feeling that he does not want us, conveying what we feel and how important it is for us to lead a more active sexual life. It is essential to let him or she explain himself, to tell us what is happening and what he thinks about this problem. Be honest, respectful and understanding, and, above all, calm.

2. Identify the problem and find a solution for it

As we have seen, there are several problems that can be behind the lack of sexual desire. To blame the problem, it is necessary to know what is causing it and act accordingly, something for which it may be necessary to have professional support.

If it is stress or a problem of sexual dysfunction, it is essential to go to professionals to see if there may be a disease or disorder behind it, prioritizing the physical and mental health of our partner before our sexual life.

If it is a matter of infidelity, first of all, we must remain calm even if it has broken our hearts. As we have commented, he had no right to do so and, no matter how many “needs” he tells us to justify what he has done, there is no valid excuse. He’s betrayed us, but it’s not necessarily the end of the relationship. Here it is advisable to go to couples therapy and see how events unfold.

Finally, if the problem is boredom, hers is to expand our sexual options. In the vast world that is the Internet, we can find the advice of all kinds and conditions to make our sex life a little more heterodox and, although you will surely find things that you dislike, there will be others that, no matter how strange they may seem safe. that you find him morbid.

'My partner doesn't want me': causes and possible solutions

3. Go to the psychologist individually

Go to the psychologist, but for you. This is not couples therapy ( couples therapy is always done as a couple) but to introspect in you and find out if there really is something in you or in the situation you live that may have precipitated the fact that our partner does not want us. We may actually be the ones who don’t want to have sex, but we don’t even realize it or have projected this absence of sex onto the other.

It is also necessary to manage the emotions associated with the feeling that we are not wanted by that person with whom we share so much. This can be very painful for both men and women and, although it may be merely a misunderstanding or that the sexual desires of both lovers are not in sync, the fact that our own partner denies us to have sex can cause a lot of frustration and anger, even pulling ourselves into someone else’s arms. And we do not want that under any circumstances.


‘My partner doesn’t want me’: causes and possible solutions

Categories: Psychological