My partner has left me … where do I start?
A review of the reasons why the breakup of a relationship hurts, and guidelines for what to do.
A romantic breakup is one of the most painful experiences there is. How to overcome such a situation? Where to start?
The following article presents the main reasons why breakups are so difficult to manage, as well as the factors on which the suffering experienced depends. There are also several keys to be able to begin to rebuild our lives and cope with them in the best possible way.
Why does a breakup hurt so much?
A breakup of a couple constitutes a duel. Yes, even if no one has died, it is a significant loss.
Grief will largely depend on the personal characteristics of the members and the nature of both the relationship and the breakup.
If we are the person who has been dumped, feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, and low self-esteem are also likely to appear. Especially if the relationship has also been built on the basis of the dreaded emotional dependence.
What do we lose in a breakup?
A breakup is painful because it is a loss in many ways.
1. Loss of a person important to us
We lose some keys to us, so we will miss this person, but we also lose a project for the future together.
2. Loss of future plans
If the couple’s relationship had advanced, the usual thing is that future plans have been made. When the couple breaks up, those patterns are broken as well. In this way, our idea of the future is suspended and feelings of disorientation and emptiness can appear.
3. Loss of a role
In addition, we lose an important role. When we are in a couple, we must not forget that we are such a person, but we are also a couple of. After the break, we lose that role.
4. Loss of relationships with other people
On the other hand, we lose contact with the people involved. In many cases, links are shared. People around your ex who end up becoming important people in your life: friends, in-laws …
5. Loss of quality of life
Sometimes we lose the quality of life. It can happen that our pocketbook suffers: we live in a society in which being with a partner is cheaper. Perhaps you lived together as a couple, so after the breakup, the expenses fall back on you alone.
What can I do to get over the breakup?
Keep in mind that going through grief is necessary. Many times, especially in the beginning, when the emotional pain is most intense, we would like to be able to sleep until everything stops. But this, in addition to not being possible, is not convenient, why? Because the duel has to be experienced in order to turn the page.
1. Learn about the phases of grief
Sometimes emotions alternate so quickly that we feel like we are losing control: suddenly I am very sad, later I feel anger, the next day I feel great vertigo for my future …
Understanding that what you live and what you feel is normal is very important. It alleviates an additional burden that has to do with the concern that arises from the type, am I experiencing a setback? Each emotion experienced has a reason: for example, sadness helps you process what has happened and surround yourself with your people.
2. Practice contact 0
This part is complicated, but necessary if we want to turn the page.
Try to ask your people for help: ask them not to talk to you about your ex, avoid bringing up the subject, do not contact your ex, get rid of their things or ask someone you trust to return them for you, keep everything you remember that person in a way that you don’t see them, etc.
You must help your brain to process that this person is no longer part of your life. Keep in mind that your ex is like a drug to you right now, so it is important to make it as difficult as possible for the fact of falling.
3. Stop wondering why?
The human being needs answers. We spend our lives wanting to know even what hurts us.
After a breakup, the normal thing is to ask why? Why did you leave me? Why did it have to end like this? Why me?
In the absence of information, we fill that void with stories that often make us feel worse. Also, we obsess instead of looking ahead.
Try to realize the next time you are thinking like this and replace it with the question now what?
4. Focus on your projects in the medium term
The question is now what? forces you to look ahead.
It may be that you are not clear about your medium-term projects and then, it is about connecting with what excites you and makes you happy to get back on track. Anything goes as long as it keeps you going: a trip, a volunteer service, a new business idea, a new hobby …
5. Surround yourself with your people
Sometimes feelings of loneliness are very intense. In addition, our personal image can end up damaged. We live as a failure, which in reality is an experience from which we will surely learn in the future. Our people will tuck us in and help us remember how amazing we are.
6. Strengthen your self-esteem
Finally and in line with the above: any breakup is a serious blow to our self-esteem.
We could feel that we were not enough. In reality what happens is that you are perfectly sufficient but perhaps, you did not give each other what each one needed. Think that if this person has let you go, it is because they were not the partner of your life.
From now on, your self-esteem is a priority: the sooner you start throwing away what damages it, the sooner you will feel better.
And vice versa, think about what things do you good, people, plans, activities … and fill your agenda. Don’t wait to feel better to do what you like!
You will be sending the message to your brain: I am worth a lot, even if I am not feeling well now.
My partner has left me … where do I start?